Mistletoe and Loneliness
by Jotter
Summary: Christmas can be tough if you're on your own. Ruth post 5:05


**Disclaimer: **I (still) don't own, nor claim to own, anything to do with Spooks - that honour goes to the people at Kudos and The BBC. I'm just borrowing a few of their characters and playing around with them. I promise they'll be nice and clean when I give them back.

**Spoiler warning: **This wont make much sense if you've not seen Episode 5:05

**Other bits and bobs: **Erm, another one that just jumped into my head this afternoon. I was in a weird mood when I wrote this, so apologies if that comes across! Also, I don't know when Wes's birthday is, so I just put it where I put it lol. Please R&R :o)

**Mistletoe and loneliness**

Ruth sat on the edge of her single bed, staring at a picture that was blue-tacked to the cupboard door. She had failed to notice that it had grown dark in the time that she'd been sat there, no longer seeing the faces of the once familiar people that smiled happily back at her from the 4x6 piece of glossed paper. Her memories were somewhere else. Her hair was now dry in the towel that she had wrapped around her hair after she'd emerged from the shower and her body was beginning to get cold through the thin layer of dressing gown that she'd draped around herself, but she didn't notice. Her mind lazily floated through images of happy days spent on the Grid, working through the mountains of paperwork that although she complained about, she secretly rather enjoyed. After shift drinks at The George, where it seemed everyone would drop their guards a little and be a fraction more relaxed around each other. Times where she had been the source of valuable information that she had discovered right at the moment it was most desperately required. The look he would give her when he thanked her for such a thing. Him.

The neighbour's Christmas lights flashed on then, a bright cheerful beam of light entered her bed-sit and brought her unwillingly back to reality. She blinked away the tears that had threatened to fall and glanced around her, looking at what she had become. A single bed, a wardrobe, an ancient television set on which BBC2 only worked if the aerial was taped at a peculiar angle, a sideboard and a battered kitchen unit which stood in the corner. She never let anyone from her work come here. She was too ashamed of it. It was a far cry from her beautiful home which she once had. She was living a life that was a far cry from the one she used to take for granted. Ruth reached to her left and switched on her bedside lamp and squinted at the brightness, before turning around and closing the blinds on her neighbour's festive celebrations. She made to stand up and get herself dressed, but sat back down again.

"what's the point" she muttered to herself. She wasn't going anywhere tonight. The rest of her team at the telesales company where she now worked were going out for Christmas drinks tonight. They had, after much debate she could tell, invited her to come along. For their sake as much as her own, she'd politely declined. They were all in their early 20s anyway, all in their 20s and in some form of relationship. She was 36 and entirely alone. Not the best of festive company.

Alone. That word rebounded around her brain until it forced itself into the air through her mouth. It felt strange when she said it, but it suited her because alone was what she was. Ruth had arrived in Exeter six months ago under a shroud of secrecy. Why Exeter, she never asked, but that was where her new job was and that was where three months worth of rent had been paid on the bed-sit for her. The landlady of the property had accepted her into her fold of tenants without too much fuss, she was a lovely middle aged lady, who always seemed to be around and always asked questions and accepted the answers she gave without too much hassle. Ruth had been annoyed by her at first, but had almost grown to appreciate her presence. She had originally intended to move on once her three months were up but somehow had settled into her routine and was still there, six months later. And now, it was Christmas. She had never really enjoyed Christmas much in her old life - she always felt that the hype of it all slightly under mined the underlying message, but this time round she felt she might just cover her head with the duvet and not emerge until it was all over. The shops that she passed on her walk to work had been displaying their festive range of goods since roughly two days after Halloween and on more than one occasion she had forgotten herself and had seriously considered buying something that would make a perfect gift for someone. She had got as far as being next in line to pay before realising that people do not usually expect Christmas gifts from the dead. She'd practically dropped the basket of things and ran out of the shop, before finding herself in a side alley where she vomited her lunch onto the dirt. Wiping her mouth with a shaking hand, she realised fully for the first time that to everyone she had ever known, she no longer existed. Apart from a select few, who, she reasoned painfully, she would never see again in her lifetime anyway.

The repeated knocking on her door caught Ruth's attention and brought her again out of her reverie. She drew her dressing gown around her tighter and walked to the door.

"who is it?" she asked, still feeling slightly paranoid after all this time.

"it's Jackie, dear" her landlady replied. Ruth sighed inwardly and opened the door. "You left these in the bathroom, dear" Jackie held her arm out and handed Ruth a bag with her toiletries in.

"oh, I'm sorry. Completely forgot about those" Ruth took the bag and nodded her thanks. She made to close the door.

"Are you ok, Sally? You look a little upset" Jackie asked her before she could close the door fully. Ruth considered her answer, what on earth could she say that would sum up how she was feeling at the moment?

"yes, I'm ok thank you Jackie. Just a little…sad at the moment I suppose. Missing a few people who I've not seen for a while that's all" Ruth realised that 'sad' was possibly the biggest under statement of the year, but figured that Jackie wasn't expecting anything more from her. Jackie smiled, somewhat sadly.

"Aaaw, well I'm sure you'll cheer up soon love, it's Christmas isn't it! People can't be sad around Christmas!" Jackie smiled at her. "If you ever want a chat dear, I'm only downstairs" Ruth smiled gratefully but internally, cursed the woman's mentality that because of the time of year, people don't feel miserable. _And Harry thought I was naïve _she thought to herself, before once again reassuring her landlady that she would be fine and closing the door.

She resumed her former position and once again glanced at the lone picture on her wardrobe door. Really, she knew that she shouldn't have it at all, but it was the one thing that she had left reminding her of her old life. It had been taken not long before she had been forced to walk away from her life, at Wes's birthday party. She had taken the photo and distinctly remembered the happy feeling she felt when she got it developed a week later. Everyone looked so happy, Malcolm was holding a toy plane that he'd bought Wes, but had so far not let him get a go on. Jo was stood next to Zaf, and Ruth could just about make out the fact that their fingers were loosely entwined behind Adam, who was sat on the floor with Wes in his lap, each holding the controller of a Scalextric car. Ros was standing next to Zaf, grinning. She'd probably noticed Jo and Zaf's closeness as well. And then there was Harry. He was sitting on a chair, body facing Adam, but his head turned so that he was looking directly at the camera. He was smiling widely, having just been commentating enthusiastically on the race going on between father and son. The picture glowed of happiness and warmth. Friendship and love. Ruth sighed.

"What are you lot doing at the moment I wonder" she said then. Malcolm, Jo, Zaf, Adam, Ros, Wes and Harry all remained silent. "I miss you all so much. I've got no-one here, no-one at all. No friends, they all think I'm a nutcase. No family, they all think I'm dead. No one to love." her eyes focussed on Harry's face, remembering how much it differed from the relaxed pose of the picture when she had last seen him. Her eyes burned again and this time she didn't stop the tears from falling. She fell into a disturbed sleep later that night, having watched as much mind numbing television as she could bare.

The next morning she closed and locked her door before heading down the stairs to the main entrance of the building. She stopped in the hallway to check that she had her purse and as she was doing so an envelope on the side table caught her attention. She hadn't received mail since she'd moved to Exeter, apart from mail outs from her workplace. This envelope wasn't the long brown work-issued type though. It was square, white. Handwritten address. No stamp. She picked it up gingerly, checking the name on the front. It was definitely for her. Curiosity overcame her and she sat back down on the stairs before running her thumb under the flap to open it. She pulled out a Christmas card, the picture on the front was a traditional scene of a shepherd watching his flock of sheep as the star of David shone bright above him. Excitement filled her heart, who on earth would send her a card? She mentally ran through the people at her work, maybe it was from Kevin, he was kind enough to talk to her at lunch times sometimes. Or maybe Sharon, they'd talked for a while whilst waiting for the lift. She couldn't think of anyone else it could be from, everyone else at work tended to avoid her. With numb fingers, she opened the card up and looked at the message.

_Just as the Shepherd tends to his flock, I like to keep watch over mine._

_Couldn't let it pass without wishing you a Happy Christmas._

_xx_

Ruth read and re-read the words. She'd stopped breathing, it felt like her heart had stopped beating. She took a shaky breath and the first genuine smile spread itself across her face for what felt like weeks. The writing was recognisable, she'd seen it so many times on memos and forms that it was as familiar to her as her own. She allowed herself a little laugh before reading the card one last time before closing it. She brought the card to her lips and imagined it was his lips she was kissing. She stood up and tucked the card into the inside pocket of her coat, before stepping out onto the road, her heart a little lighter and a spring in her step. Everything suddenly felt a little more bearable.

Inside, Jackie watched her leave with a wide smile on her face and turned to pick up the phone.

**The End**


End file.
